I have composed this blog post many times in my mind over the past few days. Each beginning sentence reflecting the state of my emotions at that time. Today, my emotions are mixed. My energy is spent-- I am emotionally exhausted. The news came on Tuesday that our referral was on its way. We shed tears of happiness and joy with the realization that this 6-year process would finally have a happy ending. Wednesday afternoon brought the call from the agency that our referral in their hands. But something was missing.... a lack of exuberance in her voice-- hesitation. We were given sketchy details and sent an email with the information: 5 photos and her medical and social history-- not yet translated to English. We had to wait another 30 hours to receive her file in English. The information was vague, outdated and inconclusive. But, something was apparent-- this was not the healthy child we had been waiting and hoping for. See, when you adopt internationally, you have a choice of two paths which you can take: Non-special Needs (ie, healthy child) or Special Needs. Many families are prepared to bring children into their homes with needs ranging from something as small as a birth mark (yes, that really is on the special needs list) to something as serious as a heart defect, or any range in between. There are many, many special needs children waiting for homes. But there are key differences for a family choosing to go the special needs route vs waiting for a 'healthy child'. First of all, when families opt for a special needs child this decision is not entered into lightly. The agency and social worker work with the family to establish what special needs would be acceptable for each family-- what needs they are capable of caring for and the ramifications. There are pages and pages of conditions on the special needs list. Each item is carefully selected or not selected based on the family. Then as time goes by, special needs children are presented to families for their review. Families are given the choice as to what extent of special needs they are able to handle (with review and approval of the agency and home study worker). When they see a child on the list that is a good match for their family, they basically 'request' to adopt this child. Over the past 6 years, we have been given many opportunities to follow the special needs path. It was almost to the point of being pushed to do so to shorten our waiting time (the wait for a special needs child can be significantly shorter than for a healthy child). At each opportunity we searched our souls, evaluated our family and resources and stayed with our original decision to wait for a healthy child. The decision felt right for us though it was not easy to voluntarily sign up for a longer (years longer) wait. We knew it would not be fair to us, to Nikolas or to the child should we take on needs that we were not truly apt to handle. So we waited and waited and waited. SIX YEARS we have waited.
Thursday night we received the translated file from our agency. Friday afternoon we were scheduled for a phone appointment with an Adoptions Specialist Doctor at the University of Washington. The reality of the wait from Wednesday through Friday was grueling. We tried to educated ourselves on what we thought her conditions to be. We tried to convince ourselves that maybe her situation and needs were 'doable'. We consulted with friends and medical professionals who have adopted. We fell in love with her face, her name and the thought of bringing her home. But we hesitated...... would bringing this child home forever alter the balance of our family. Could we really care for this child to the extent that she might possibly need? A friend, who had adopted a special needs child from China after having to decline a different special needs child as well, put it this way: would bringing this little girl home be a leap of faith that your family can handle? We cried, we researched, we asked for advice, we listened, we talked with each other...... and we waited. Within minutes of speaking with the doctor from UW, the gray area was soon very black and white: this child was not only special needs, but she was in the highest risk category. Bringing this child into our family would forever change our lives and not in a way we had expected. This is a child who needed very serious medical help and even then her chances for having a normal life were very minimal. As grateful as we were to the doctor for his gentle candor, we were completely devastated. Any hopes of possibly bringing this child home to join our family were shattered. We were not able to care for her the way she would need. It was very humbling and defeating-- we felt like we were failing this child. It felt like we were playing God with only 0.0000001% of the power. If this were a child born to us, we would not have been given this choice, but through adoption the scenario is different. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that we did have a choice-- as right or wrong as that may feel. Ultimately, it's about what is best for our family.
After speaking with the doctor, we phoned the adoption agency to give them the details of the conversation. So much information had been spoken over the days that it was all becoming a blurr. She restated how their representative in China said that the orphanage knew this was a special needs child and they could not believe she had been offered to a non-special needs family. We felt as if we had been slapped in the face. Why would China do this? Do they really think it's in anyone's best interest to offer a child to a family who doesn't have the resources or preparedness to care for her? Was this a mistake? Had her file been put into the wrong pile? Were they trying to 'pull a fast one'? We chose China because of the knowledge that their children were generally healthy. There are thousands of families willing to take on a special needs child-- why did they refer her to us, a family who's been on the non-special needs list for 6 years? Was this what was supposed to happen? Are we supposed to take her even though we know that we just can't give her the care she would need? If everything happens for a reason, what is it? As if waiting for 6 years, moving 3 times, having 4 home studies, and our original agency close and not tell us wasn't bad enough? Now this? WHY?!
We knew what we had to do. As hard as it was, we had to decline this referral. In simple terms, we had to refuse this child. Do you know how hard that is to do? To know that your decision is leaving this child in an orphanage with special needs that are being left untreated? We found solace in the story of the friend who had also declined their first special needs child: the VERY NEXT FAMILY who saw her file adopted her. We can only hope that by declining to admit this child into our family and our lives we are creating the chance for what is truly meant to be: a family who needs her as much as she needs them. To think anything other than that is excruciatingly painful. I cannot allow myself to think anything other than we were not the family meant to have her and this will allow her to be led to the family who was. Yet, my mind wanders and I worry about this little child-- this child whose eyes I stared into for 3 days hoping and wondering if there was any way she was to be ours. I wanted this child, yet I was so frightened by the unknowns and then the confirmed risks. I have let this child down. I keep thinking how in the course of 3 days I feel I am experiencing what it must be like to both lose a child to miscarriage and to choose to give up a child for adoption. We grieve the loss of this child for our family and we have given her up to be adopted by a family who can hopefully give her a better life than we could have.
After 6 years of waiting, the thought never occurred to us that our referral would be anything other than blissful-- a time of celebration, hope for the future, and love for this little child we have been entrusted. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that our referral would have brought us nothing but heartbreak, sadness, guilt and the feeling that this is a wound that I will forever carry. I am telling you all of this because I want you to know what has happened. You have been by us every step of the way, cheering us on and awaiting this precious child. But please know, this wound is deep and carries many dimensions. We are not in a place where we can talk about it now-- maybe ever. It was the hardest decision we have ever had to make. We want you to know what has happened and what we have been through; we want you to understand. We do not want you to know the details of this child or her health problems. For those of you who may have been skeptical about our decision to adopt, we do not want this experience to give you confirmation of your beliefs. We have known all along that there were risks associated with adoption. We know that the child we take into our family very well may have undiagnosed physical or mental problems that will present themselves as time goes by. We fully accept that responsibility and risk. We were not prepared to take on a child who knowingly 'out of the gate' has such severe health issues-- we made this decision when it was simply marks on sheets of paper before it ever became a real person. We feel angry that we were forced to apply these disabilities to a real child and then have to turn that child away. But please remember, there are inherent risks with any child, biological or adopted. There is never any guarantee that any child will be healthy and remain healthy. So we stand our ground, we will adopt. This has been a setback but not an end.
Our agency's representative in China has been in contact with the director of the agency in China who matches children. A new referral will come for us. We are not sure when, but it will come. Hopefully within a week or two, we will be presented with a different child-- please God let it be a healthy child. And hopefully with the information we collected from the doctor at UW, we can pass that along so the other little baby can get the help she truly needs. If you are so inclined, say a prayer for Baby Song (that is the only information we will reveal about her-- our lost child). Pray that she gets the care she needs and a family capable of caring for her. Your support during this difficult time is truly appreciated. When we started down this path, I was drawn towards it with the "this is what we're supposed to do" feeling. I still believe that. I never would have believed how hard this journey would be. But if that old saying is true, all good things are worth waiting for. So, we keep hanging on, holding on and trying to remain hopeful. This really is our test of faith.
And to Kim, your presence during this difficult week was a Godsend. Thank you for everything, but most of all, your friendship.
