See the smile on this balloon? That does NOT resemble my face this past week. You know when you're thankful that a week is over and you don't ever have to relive it again? That's how I feel about the past week of my life (and the first weeks of indoctrination at the academy, of course, but that's another story). For years I've been dodging the sinus surgery bullet. We'd move, I'd go see the ENT specialist and have a CT scan done, and they'd recommend surgery. I went through this a few times, never having enough nerve to actually have the surgery done. Well, with this last move to CO, I was fairly certain that this doc knew what he was talking about. There really wasn't much choice in the situation, odds were not on my health's side if I didn't have the procedure. So, for the past three months I've been dreading the surgery. I am the biggest wimp-- ever. Needles frighten me, blood makes my knees buckle and and pain on any level takes my breath away. I am a doctor's ideal patient- ha!
The CT scan revealed a extremely deviated septum (not news to me), a sinus blockage (the one under my right eye) and malformed bones in my sinuses in my places where they shouldn't be. The surgery was three-fold: fix the deviated septum, remove the sinus blockage and repair the malformed sinus cavity. That sounds like fun, doesn't it? Who wouldn't want to sign up for this sort of procedure?! I've suffered from headaches for the past 15 years. Unexplained, excruciating headaches. The doctor didn't really know if the surgery would alleviate them, but he did know that it would prevent other complications in the future.
So going into this surgery, I was more afraid than I would be under 'normal' circumstances. When you lose a friend, at the age of 42, who didn't wake up from her surgery only weeks before, your mind can wander. Now rationally, I know there is a huge difference between surgery to remove of a cancerous tumor and sinus surgery. However, surgery and anesthesia are what they are: not natural and inherently risky. I had months to build up my worry to an unhealthy level: what if I don't wake up? What if Sven and Nikolas are left to put their lives together without me? Morbid questions, I know, but issues that have been all too real with our concern for our friend's family who is doing just that right now-- picking up the pieces. And if not the worst case scenario, what about more mild, unpleasant results? The doctor did mention something about the possibility of getting too close to the eye and resulting blindness. Now if you couldn't tell, I rely heavily on my eyes for photography (and just about everything else....duh......) and the thought of a sightless world scares the pants off of me. So, yeah, it sounds like I'm ready, right? ......Let's do this thing........
The surgery was at 1130 on February 9. I have to say I love everyone who attended to me at the hospital. They were so sweet, so sensitive and so caring......just what a baby like me needed. They were truly awesome. The last thing I remember as they started to pump the anesthesia into my veins was saying, "Oh, no. I'd better hurry or I won't be able to finish my story.....". I was telling them (God only knows why) about how Nikolas came home with a name idea for sister: Elizabeth. He asked me what I thought of the name and I told him I didn't really care for it because it reminded me of someone I didn't especially like in grade school. Ooopppssss....turns out the reason he suggested the name is because it was the name of his little girlfriend at school. Cute story, right? But, WHY was I telling this to the staff at the hospital just moments before going under?! Who knows.
The next thing I know I'm looking across the room telling Nikolas: "Good God. Could you PLEASE change the channel? This is SO boring!!" Well, the room was not our living room but the recovery room. The show was not on tv but the happenings in the recovery room. And the person was not Nikolas but my attending nurse. No offense, lady, I didn't really think you were a 9-year old boy....... Pretty funny, right? Well, for a minute. Then I started crying and trying to roll over on my side to hide it from the nurse. She asked why I was crying and I told her it was because I had just come out of my surgery alive and my friend didn't. It was one of those moments when you're not really sure where your reality lies. Let me tell you, within an hour of having your sinuses operated on and still highly sedated is not the time you want to be crying.....and coming again to terms with the reality that you did indeed lose a wonderful friend. All in all, the entire thing was very surreal and strange.
Now, as I sit here 7 days after my surgery, I am again grateful that it's all done and over. I don't have to worry about how it will turn out, how bad it will hurt and what the recovery will be like. Now, I know because I have already lived it. It sucked, I survived and I will heal. Hallelujah. I'm grateful that we have wonderful insurance that will pay for it all, that hopefully I will feel significantly better than I have in the past and well, of all things, that I didn't die on the operating table and Sven and Nikolas will not have to figure out how to go on without me.
But the story isn't over quite yet. As I was recovering, I was in tremendous pain/discomfort.....who knows where the line can be drawn between actual pain and mere discomfort but either way you know when you're not feeling good. During the surgery, the doctor had inserted stints into my nostrils for support and breathing. He had mentioned that I would be 'much more comfortable' after they were removed 5 days after the surgery. As I lay in pain day and night, I counted down the moments until the stints would be removed. The lucky day came. Sven and I got in our car and headed off to the doctor. Once again, hallelujah, right? Well, almost. We didn't make it 2 miles from home out of our neighborhood before we got rear-ended at a stoplight. I was hysterical-- on vicodin, in pain and in jeopardy of not getting those God-awful things out of my head. Three police cars and an hour later, we were back on our way.....both with discomfort in our necks, mind you, but back on our way. Remember what I was saying about not crying after sinus surgery? Good Lord I could not breathe at all. I was miserable and quite shaken. Anyway, at the doctor's office, with 'slight discomfort' (I'll say!!!) the doctor removed the stints. It was like giving birth to twins right then and there. Those things were HUGE. Had I known such monstrosities were in my head for the past week I would have gone out of my mind. The relief I felt once they were out was immense. And, the doctor thinks that there is hope that my headaches will be a thing of the past (I hope, I hope, I hope......) because the mass (that had to be suctioned out- how gross is that) was completely blocking my sinus and the bones had grown over to the point of blocking the entry to the sinus above my eye (the area where my intense headaches take place). He was able to fix all that. How fantastic.....and gross.
So now I'm on the mend. This past week, well few months, have really been trying. I've analyzed life, death, fear, and pain on levels not to be entered casually. I hope as challenging as it has been that the rewards will be worth it-- both physically and psychologically. I've learned to appreciate my state of wellness, the health I have, the resources around me, the knowledge and experience that can improve our lives, and to cherish the love and support of my family and friends. Funny how one little sinus surgery can do all that......... Yes, I think I'll be wearing that balloon's smile here very soon......just as soon as I regain sensation in the middle part of my face!
